Seattle Seahawks Vs Denver Broncos in Superbowl XLVIII. 40 inch tv in a warm living room with a ton of friends. Table full of chicken wings, pizza, cha siu bao and chips and dip. A beer in every hand and a shot every 10 minutes. Jokes, laughs, rooting for your team. This was my day today.
Objectively awesome. To be reunited with some of my best buddies from college, the team I wanted to win won, it was a blast.
well, it should have been. I had another day of mood swings, negativity and irrational behavior. I know my friends are sick of hearing about it, seeing it, being around it, but I honestly don’t know what to do.
I’ve examined and re-examined my life time and time again in order to find some clarity or serenity in my life, but I seriously cannot.
I don’t know anything about myself. I don’t know what my favorite food is. I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I don’t know what kind of music I really like. I can’t keep up with sports. I have no hobbies. I have and am nothing.
My life have been a continual failure. I barely got through college. I’ve been rejected by girls whom I care about deeply time and time again. I haven’t been there for my family when they needed me. It took me a year to find a real job when a degree is supposed to make things easier.
I have no identity. I have no goals. No aspirations.
I thought a girlfriend might bring me happiness. Which she did, but I couldn’t keep it together and had a breakdown. I thought having a job and paycheck would make me happy. It is not. Family. Shit don’t get me started down that road. I don’t know anything about happiness. Besides that it is in my past.
I don’t know. I just. I don’t fucking know what to do day to day. maybe things will change. Maybe things will not change. I need a purpose in this life. I need. I don’t know what I need.
Maybe saving up to travel all over will open me up. Maybe I need to make new friends (although I don’t want to; <3 c/o 2012). Maybe a girl will sweep my off my feet and make me forget all of the sadness I’ve ever felt.
How can I be content with myself. How can I find happiness? How do I live my life in a way that isn’t such a damn waste. I don’t know. I just don’t know…